SFFS

Suffocate For Fucks Sake
Blazing Fires and Helicopters on the Frontpage of the Newspaper. There's a War Going on and I'm Marching in Heavy Boots.

Blue lights and sunshine (9:06)

Female voice 1: Your voice changed into a sort of metallic tone you didn't usually have.

Female voice 2: I remember those intense days, that were like... sort of a feverish dream. You had this amazing self confidence, like--I suppose you were just invincible, there was nothing you couldn't do, nothing was impossible.

Female voice 1: It felt like a period of about a week you were completely out of control, where it also felt like anything could happen to you.

Female voice 2: You said once, at the dinner table, "I think I could be the president of the US."

Female voice three: Hornsgatan, Mariatorget, morning. Lots of cars, sirens and blue lights by the intersection at Zinkensdamm. Blue Lights and sunshine. I have no idea how long I've been wandering around here. There's something wrong with the sidewalk. it rises up, like the waves of an ocean. I don't mind it; I am completely free.

Vocalist: today I saw--the ground started to shake. [x multiple times]

Female voice 2: I might confuse the incidents, but I do remember we had decided I was coming to your place. I think we were going to watch a movie. I know we were going to have some sushi. I had picked up some up my way over, then I sat outside your door 'cause you weren't home, and I just sat there waiting for you for quite some time... you never came and it made me kinda sad. I know I had heard an answering machine message saying you were out, that you at some bar with two, three, or four guys, with names I've never heard. "Come hang out with us," or something. I don't think I did. Then I heard from you the following day, I think you never went to work. I think then you called me, or maybe I called you. Anyway, you told me you hadn't slept for three days, so I went to see you. I think then you had understood that something as not... the way it should be, something was really bad. When I came home you were crouching on the kitchen table, like a little bird, with your arms around your knees, I think you wore a silver night gown. You stared at me when I came through the door, you were chanting numbers and mathematical figures and you spoke about outer space. I told you that you should stop talking like that and become Linda again. Yes, of course I was scared.

I got worried... I was so freaking scared of that window, you know (7:03)

Female voice 1: We were going to your place to pick up some clothes and stuff. So we were walking and walking and went to the grocery store to get bread and grapes. I watched you cross the street and you were... sort of not paying attention to things around you. I got a bit worried. Then we went up to the apartment and you unlocked the door and then...that thing happened. You started running through the apartment and I just felt that was a strange thing to do, to just start running out the apartment like that. So i dropped whatever was in my hands and chased after you. You opened the window and were standing on your knees on the windowsill; we were several floor up and I managed to grab the waist of your jeans and pull you back in. Then we started fighting. Yes, it was terrible. You ran back into the kitchen and was about to open the other window. The fridge just about fell on us, but in some mysterious way I managed to hold you down and dial 911... And so the police arrived and they wanted you to come with them. Their car was just outside and we all went to Katarina. Afterwards I was assigned to speak to a psychologist, and I just remember being so happy, so glad. It didn't even cross my mind that it could happen again, just that I had been physically strong enough to manage you. Then, of course, I got worried. I was so freaking scared if that window, you know.

We are driving through darkness (6:35)

Female voice three: Trying to watch TV. Unplugged the telephone. Can't be there. Calling my mom to pick me up. Taking the train out to the countryside. All those people on the central station. Mom is telling me to take pills if I feel bad. Vidar is picking us up at the station. It's raining and really windy. Pitch black outside--we are driving through darkness.
I take the bike down to the lake--swim out to the raft in the middle of the lake. The water smells like iron. I spend the whole night there. I borrow a boat and row out into the lake. I watch the sunrise. I spend the next night out on the lawn. It's a warm night. I forgot to pack so I wash my jacket and green military pants in the lake. I walk around the island in the morning. Have completely stopped sleeping... Once back home I write Arve long letters. Repaint my apartment in bold colors. Listen to music. Buy gifts for those I like, wrap them all in shiny paper, and give money to anyone asking in the streets. I get to know a new person every day, it's that simple. Everyone has something to say to me, all the blue eyes in ganla stan [?] for example. All that heat. Blazing fires and helicopters on the front page of the news. There's a war going on and I'm marching in heavy boots.

Twentysix and Full of Plans (17:19)

Female voice 3: Summer of '99. I'm doing well. I go to the movies. Meet friends. Eat breakfast in bed. A lot of stuff in going on, I got my first book published. Started a new job with the city theater. I'm going to Japan this fall to receive a prize for my poetry. I am 26 and full of plans. But none of that is going to happen. Something completely different is.

Male and female vocalists: will I never forget [x several times]

Female voice 2: he didn't ask you to describe those insane days. Yes, he did ask if you were suicidal, just like that,.and that was nearly 30 seconds into the conversation I think. You said you weren't. But you wanted to stay there--get help. I said that I couldn't take care of you, they needed to assist me. So you got sleeping pills and they said that you could now return home as Linda. They sort of returned you to me. So we went to my place and I think I made you spinach soup. I sorta fed you, but anyway, you got food and you got your pill and about an hour passed and then you panicked, said you were about to die. Your heart was racing and you were really scared, said the doctors were trying to kill you. You broke down and screamed, sitting on my bed, screaming that you would die.
Male voice: 91021 notes of check-in. Cause of check-in: possible manic depression. During the last year the patient has experienced periods of bipolar disease, lack of judgment and sleep deprivation with passive-aggression to follow. During the entire session the patient seems to have trouble finding words, showing slow reactions to questions. Emotionally shut down the entire session; very unemotional facial expressions.

Female voice 3: I remember the taxi fare and the room we entered. There's me and Linda [note: Linda is speaking -- ?] on one side of the table and three men on the other side. I tell them it's a good thing the room is very big. The one in the muddle asks me what I mean by that and I tell him I need a lot of space. Then I tell him I dislike his name. I walk through a corridor, couches with small striped and tables everywhere. A bookcase. Doors with numberplates. "Back there we have the kitchen and living room, you can check it out later, it's full right now so you can spend the night in the therapy room." I see some people playing board games. A girl with bangs gets up from the couch and greets me. "Oh, okay."--she looks through her papers--"You're Linda. I work here until weekends. Do you have any pets?" The nurses come into my room every hour, says it's their job to break my isolation... Bowl of cornflakes, milk and sandwiches, just like when I was a child. juice, eggs and coffee. I walk into this oval room with a green couch, a piano, two chairs and a small table with a phone on it. "It's almost dinner, I can bring you a tray, after all it is your first night..." he closes the door and I sit down on the couch. I cannot stay here.
I run through the corridor. The door is for the nurses. I am wearing my military boots. Mats is almost two meters tall but I kick him as hard as I can. the hallway, then the backyard with the outdoor furniture still out... I run down the hill towards Ringvagen, jump into a parked car parked just outside the gates and yell "GO!" just like they do in movies.

A Japanese Flag (7:50)

Female voice 1: And then when you stayed in Katarina hospital, that first time you wouldn't let me in there. You wanted to be alone, not have any relatives there and definitely not a mom. Then time just passed me by. I was just home, painting the windowsills. I wasn't allowed to have any contact with you. And then Mimmi, a neighbor, (she's from Ethiopia), came over with a friend from the same country. So they brought me Ethiopian bread and food and all, it's custom in their culture to do that when someone is feeling bad or going through a rough time. But I couldn't even sit down with them because I was so out of it. Later that night when they had left and I sat there with all this food, the tears just came. It was like that's when it all hit me what was going on.

Female voice 3: My new stuff: a Japanese flag, a sleeping mask from the travel department of NK, an olive tree, boxing gloves with the American flag on them, a piggy bank in plush, a Japanese dictionary, a golden purse, an erotic board game.
Female voice 2: We were going to meet once, at a cafe in Gotgatan, and you came with thirty shopping bags, took out everything you bought to show the whole cafe. You had some ex sitting there and naturally you didn't even care that his new girlfriend was with him. You were just so full of yourself, you showed no respect.

Female voice 3: Mom hates all of my new stuff. Mom hates that I am having fun. She says I'm not really having fun at all.

I Keep My Eyes on the Ground, Afraid of Meeting Someone I Know

Female voice 3: ... But I am. I AM having fun, mom.
Friday at Katarinahuset. I'm supposed to stay in the ward for a long period of time. Not be on the outside with my mom when I am depressed. I watch films about Jesus, I watch TV. Watch all the game shows. Reports are filed, drugs are taken, and a short walk with a nurse. I keep my eyes on the ground, afraid of meeting someone I know.
Male voice: The patient is well-known since last year and has been in frequent contact with various methods of treatment. Suffers from a severe case of bipolar disorder that is not treatable to satisfied effect... Cannot take care of herself, cannot follow agreements. The patients is endangering herself. Decisions of admittance to institution according paragraph 6, I feel patient has reached the criteria of constraint care. The patient is suffering from a serious disease, and at the moment, is in desperate need of medical care. it is very unsure whether or not the patient is in the state to take a stand in this matter; she is ambivalent. Linda was very depressed during today's session, cried during. Currently has a hard time seeing any future for herself. Linda sees no possibilities to break out of her old habits and also suffers from guilt over what she does during manic periods. Linda is currently having trouble finding herself at ease in any situation.

They Try to Cheer Me Up by Saying I Did Once Live a Functioning Life

Female voice 1: Yeah, well, the ups and downs were insane, it could vary within an hour. Just like that it could change. I think most of the time I thought it must be very hard for you, since your state of mind could change so fast, like in every change you would... yeah, that it was just an amazing capability out of this world to turn like that somehow.

Female voice 3: I go in and out of the hospital. The fall and winter just disappears. Spring comes again, and summer, then fall. I manage to get to the phone one night and I call a night-open bakery, order cinnamon buns for the whole ward. At home, in the ward, at mom's place. Nothing works. I haven't payed my bills in months. A nurse takes me to the welfare authorities. Installment plants, cause of 'special circumstances". They try to cheer me up by saying I did once live a functioning life. It is like they're talking about someone else.
I have a family now, soon to be my second child. I am the one they should always be able to trust. I know what it is like to have a parent that suddenly changes. I know what that does to you, how you always have to on your toes. How you always have to analyze each situation and be prepared for disaster to hit. But what if you, yourself, are that disaster?
January 1st, 2001, my last day at Katarinahuset. I started therapy. A friend moves in with me. I got a contact at the hospital a while a back; someone I report back to and just talk to. I don't really have those ups and downs anymore; mostly just downs. I live at home and I am afraid of going out. I go jogging with my contact at the hopital once a week in the Hellas area, he picks me up with his car. Sometimes he brings his dog. I've started employment training, a measure to get me back to normal life, as a tutor in a school for a few hours a day. A year goes by, but I still see my contact weekly. We have coffee or go jogging. I study part-time at the university. I get a scholarship and go to Gotland to write, but I mostly just take long walks and go to the local pool. Karle-Ove calls me, he says he is moving to Stockholm for a while. Asks me if we can meet when I get back. It makes me happy; I spend the rest of the day thinking about him.